Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
