thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
