Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
