I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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