I accidentally had phone sex last night
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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