I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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