Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
