i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
