Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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