I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize