Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
