I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
where are my eyebrows?
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