so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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