New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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