Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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