We're facebook friends in real life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
