Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
