I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize