After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
