I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
