Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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