how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
