wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
