last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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