dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
