marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
