Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
