also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
