i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
