I cannot find my penis.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
