Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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