walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
