dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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