I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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