my phone needs a breathalizer
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
