im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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