Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize