his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
