I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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