I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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