I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
