fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My feet surprised me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
