Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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