Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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