her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
