He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
