Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
