Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
