I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize