Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
