is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
