i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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