Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
