I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
