Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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