break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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