I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
